


The Dick Fic (alternatively titled Penis Parable, Meat Myth, Cock Chronicles, Length Legend, Dong Drama, Needle Novel, Testicle Tale, Just Dicking Around, Souldicks (BAND NAME CALLED IT)

by SeventeensOneBraincell



Series: Soulmate AUs Except [3]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: M/M, Office AU, Soulmate AU, The list of titles is so long because, and for story, has seen a lot, i have never been more proud of an idea, i searched up synonyms for penis, meanie, my poor computer, this is a masterpiece and yes I am tooting my own horn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:48:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25705378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeventeensOneBraincell/pseuds/SeventeensOneBraincell
Summary: Wonwoo loved seeing what people's soulmates wrote on their skin. Sweet messages, little doodles, hearts. But he's really thrown for a loop when his soulmate picks up aninterestinghobby of drawing penises everywhere on his body.OrThat one soulmate au where whatever you write on your own skin appears on your soulmate's skin and Wonwoo is so tired of having to deal with dicks all over
Relationships: Jeon Wonwoo/Kim Mingyu
Series: Soulmate AUs Except [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1778461
Comments: 13
Kudos: 107





	The Dick Fic (alternatively titled Penis Parable, Meat Myth, Cock Chronicles, Length Legend, Dong Drama, Needle Novel, Testicle Tale, Just Dicking Around, Souldicks (BAND NAME CALLED IT)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I promise not all of my writing is like this, this fic is just uh
> 
> special
> 
> I hope you enjoy, thank you for reading!! <3

Wonwoo was _pissed_. He had a presentation in twenty minutes, in front of his entire company, and there was a dick drawn in thick black sharpie right across his forehead. He was currently in the bathroom, scrubbing the marker as hard as he could, but it wasn’t washing off. If he ever met his soulmate, there’d be hell to pay. 

He really wished he didn’t have a soulmate. Or, at least, not one as destructive as whoever it currently was. He’d see beautiful poems lining his colleague’s arms, a flower drawn on their wrist or a heart on their collarbone and all he had to work with were sloppily drawn penises, _everywhere_.

He finally resigned to using makeup to cover up the marker, dabbing an entire layer of foundation over it and then setting powder, praying that he wouldn’t sweat during the meeting. 

He finally finished, squinting hard at his forehead in the mirror before deciding that no one would notice, especially because no one stares at a presenter's forehead for an hour, right?

He grabbed his things, slipping into the meeting room just before the doors were closed. He sat down, keeping his head down towards the floor and nodding along to what people were saying while others were giving their proposals. 

The presenter scheduled right before Wonwoo was just wrapping up when Wonwoo felt a slight tingling on his arm, eyes darting to the skin to see yet another dick being drawn, this time in glittery gold pen. He swore under his breath, catching the attention of those around him and sheepishly apologizing as he tugged his sleeves down over the drawing. 

Wonwoo quickly double checked to see that there was no more graffiti before standing and beginning his presentation. He rambled on and on, making sure that his sleeves were pulled down as far as they would go. He was a mere two minutes away from finishing his carefully crafted speech, when he began feeling a slight tingling sensation on his cheek. He noticed the eyes of his coworkers grow wider the longer the tingling went on, and Wonwoo knew exactly what was happening. He slapped a hand over his cheek, hurriedly mumbling that he needed to use the restroom and booking it out of the board room.

He sprinted down the hallway, tie swinging left and right and slapping against his chest with each stride. He finally burst his way into the men’s restroom, uncovering his cheek to see a bright red dick on his cheek. Tears welled up in his eyes, frustration fueled as he unbuttoned the cuff of his sleeve, and wetted a paper towel, smearing off the makeup on his forehead. There were three glaringly obvious dicks on him (aside from his own, of course), and he had no idea what to do. He had used nearly all of his tiny bottles of makeup to cover up the one on his forehead and he bet that there wasn’t enough makeup in the world to cover all of the drawings. And worse, his coworkers had seen. If he went back inside, he’d likely be fired. If he never went back inside, he’d most likely be fired. There was no win for Wonwoo.

He felt around in his pockets, grabbing a black sharpie from his breast pocket and uncapping it angrily. The words he wrote on his arm were vulgar at best, but so were the drawings all over his body, his soulmate deserved this.

**_FUCK YOU_ **

There was only a moment’s wait before Wonwoo felt his arm tingle, and right below his message laid a new one.

**_| What?_ **

Wonwoo sighed, grabbing the sharpie and scribbling on his arm again.

**_You basically just got me fired, do you ever stop drawing dicks on your body? What, is yours so small that you had to compensate for it? Or are they self portraits?_ **

Wonwoo felt like crying, nearly kicking the bathroom wall before he realized that it would do more harm than good. There appeared a new message, squished just beneath Wonwoo’s angry taunting.

**_| How do you know I’m a guy?_ **

Wonwoo snorted and wrote back, **_I’m gay as shit, that’s how I know._**

**_| Join the club. But I didn’t mean anything by it, my friend and I were just messing around with sharpies!_ **

Wonwoo was running out of space on his arm so he switched to his other, **_Messing around or not, you just cost me my job, so once again, fuck you._**

**_| Dude, I seriously didn’t mean to get you fired. Why don’t we meet up somewhere, and I can try to help you job hunt?_ **

Wonwoo sighed, hovering the tip of the sharpie just over his skin. He could meet up with this man, whoever he was, or he could forget that it ever happened and move on. This man drew dicks all day, was he really Wonwoo’s ideal type?

**_You’re going to either help me find a new, better paying job, or you’re going to get this one back for me, and then we will forget this ever happened. This is clearly already not going to work out, just fix what you ruined and move on._ **

**_| That’s not how this works! We’re soulmates, that means we’re predestined to work together!_ **

**_I don’t give a shit, I had a well-paying job and a stable life and you probably ruined it, I don’t want to spend any more time with you than I have to. Just find me a replacement job, and then we can pretend nothing happened._ **

**_| Fine, I’ll find you a job as fast as I can, but you’re an idiot if you think I’m letting you walk away afterwards._ **

Wonwoo scoffed, scribbling a simple **_see you tomorrow_** on his arm and not bothering to look at the response that he got. He tugged his sleeves down his forearms, concealing a few of the drawings and sighing once he realized that he’d wiped the makeup off of his forehead, so it was now exposed. He resigned to keeping his head down, eyes on the ground as he made his way back to his desk to gather the few things that he’d brought in with him that morning. His phone and his keys from his desk drawer, the few memos that he had, little lists and things, and his glasses case, before he was off again, running down the hallway. 

He sprinted away from the meeting room, praying that no one would see him and ask him what he was doing. He ran all the way down to the lobby, dashing through the parking lot and unlocking his car. He tossed his things in the backseat, sliding into the front and shutting the door behind him. He held the wheel in a tight grip for a few moments, eyes wide as adrenaline raced through his veins. He caught a quick glimpse of his reflection in the mirror and scoffed as he saw the drawings again, quickly keying the ignition and backing out of his parking spot. He zipped down side streets to get home, not feeling like getting stuck on the freeway for an hour while penises were drawn all over his body. 

He got home in a mere fifteen minutes, once again keeping his head down as he carted his things inside. He managed to narrowly avoid his neighbor Seokmin who’d _definitely_ seen him coming and was just a little too slow in exiting his apartment to catch Wonwoo before he went into his. Wonwoo shut the door behind him, exhaling a long sigh and dumping his armful of things from work onto his kitchen counter. He’d deal with it later.

He grabbed his phone, placing an order for takeout and going into his bedroom to get changed out of his work clothes. He settled for sweatpants and a hoodie, flipping the hood up and tugging it down so that it pushed his hair down to cover his forehead. He didn’t want the delivery guy to see him like this. He checked his phone, seeing that the food would be there in ten minutes, setting out his strongest facial soap and a washcloth for after the man came. 

Wonwoo found himself not knowing what to do, flopping down on the couch, eyes landing on a pen on his ottoman in front of him. He glanced down at the small sliver of skin on his arm that his hoodie sleeve had rolled up to expose, sighing and reaching for the pen. He scribbled a small note on his wrist.

**_Tomorrow, 9am, cafe on 7th and 35th. Don’t be late._ **

Wonwoo capped the pen, chucking it across the room and realizing too late that whoever this guy was, he might not even live in the same country as Wonwoo. Sure, he spoke the same language, but what did that prove? Luckily, before long, there was a response that appeared on Wonwoo’s palm.

**_| I think I know which one you’re talking about, I sure hope we live in the same area. I’ll be there tomorrow morning at nine. See you then._ **

Wonwoo didn’t bother responding, tugging his hoodie sleeves over his hands and checking his phone to see that the food would only be a few more minutes. He flicked on the television, letting whatever stupid sitcom was playing play as white noise as he busied himself on his phone. 

The doorbell rang and Wonwoo sighed, pulling the sleeves over his hands and his hood over his face. He stumbled over to the door, hood slightly impairing his vision as he did so, until he wrenched open the door to see the delivery man. The man was tall, pitch black hair in a mullet down the back of his neck. He smiled, not paying any mind to the way that Wonwoo was avoiding all eye contact with him.

“Here’s your order, enjoy the meal.” 

“Thank you. Here, take this.” Wonwoo held a five-dollar bill out to the man, swapping it for the plastic bag of food humming in acknowledgement when a heartfelt thank you came his way. He bid goodbye to the delivery man, glad that he had ordered online so that the only money he had to deal with dispensing was tips. He guaranteed that the man would have seen one of Wonwoo’s penises if Wonwoo had spent too much time talking to him.

Wonwoo sighed, flopping down on his couch and pulling up Netflix. He could try to forget that he’d basically fled his job, embarrassed himself in front of all his coworkers, and now had what he prayed was _not_ a date with the man who seemed to have nothing better to do than draw penises on his arms all day, right?

\--

Of course. The one time Mingyu oversleeps, it’s the day he finally gets to meet his soulmate. He’d had nothing but radio silence until yesterday, and the one time he gets to communicate with them he blows the chance he has to meet them. He wakes up at 9:30, spewing words so foul that they were never to be repeated. He reached for his phone to text his soulmate that he’d be late but then realized that he didn’t even have his number, reaching for a pen instead. He rolled up the sleeve of his shirt, hovering the pen over his skin before he read the words sitting there in sharpie.

**_Don’t bother explaining. Just leave me alone, and get a new hobby, try to stop messing with my life._ **

Mingyu sighed, scribbling a short message under that one, **_I’m sorry! I overslept, I swear I didn’t mean to stand you up!_**

Before he could even finish writing thick black ink layered itself over his writing, eliciting a groan of frustration from Mingyu. This wasn’t going to work. He didn’t even know this guy’s name!

He grabbed his phone, clicking on the last person he’d texted. Hansol was his former college roommate, now working a nine-to-five office job. Mingyu didn’t understand how he did it, if he had to sit behind a desk eight hours a day, he’d lose his mind.

He shot a quick text to Hansol, _So it’s not even 10 AM and I’ve already done a bad thing_

He locked his phone, chucking it across the room and burying his face in his hands. A chime came from the device that was now lying on the floor of the bathroom, and Mingyu trudged over to it, praying that it hadn’t been cracked in its flight.

_| Oh my god, please tell me you haven’t brought another raccoon inside. They are NOT PETS, Mingyu._

Mingyu snorted, remembering the time when he’d found a raccoon sleeping under the bushes outside of his house and brought it inside. He’d had to be tested for rabies. The raccoon was very upset with Mingyu for disrupting him. Ungrateful brat.

_No, not another raccoon. Somehow, it’s worse._

_| H o w can it be worse than the raccoon Mingyu?_

Then, before Mingyu could explain, another short text came through, _Is it two raccoons?_

Mingyu wished that his problems only ran as deep as possibly rabid scavengers in his house.

_No, no raccoons are involved this time. I finally had some contact with my soulmate and I got them fired, and then I overslept and missed the date we’d set to find him a new job. He won’t listen to anything I write, he scribbles it out before I can finish._

Mingyu sighed, eyes lingering on the ink slowly drying on his arm. Now he knew how his soulmate felt, he wanted nothing more than to forget that he’d ever had a soulmate. It was just depressing him now.

\--

Wonwoo sat in his car, parked in his designated space in the parking garage of his apartment building. He would never admit it to anyone, but tear tracks lined his cheeks, dried but not forgotten. Wonwoo absolutely _hated_ being blown off, the blatant slap in the face hurt him more than it should have every time. He’d thought that maybe, with a predestined soulmate, it would be different, that nothing like that could possibly have happened, but clearly, he wasn’t correct. This is why he stayed inside and never talked to anyone. 

Finally, Wonwoo mustered up the courage to get out of the car, knowing he’d have to walk into his sad, one bedroom apartment, his bed messy and unmade, his clothes strewn about the entire place. He didn’t have the motivation to clean up. Not after that.

Wonwoo set his keys down, eyes dead as he trudged to his room. He was going to faceplant into his bed, and he wasn’t sure if he was ever going to get up again. He felt his phone buzz in his pocket and he groaned, knowing that the only people who had the audacity to text him were the ones that would call if he didn’t answer in five minutes.

He decided to face plant on his bed before grabbing his phone, granting himself that small victory. He lazily unlocked his phone, seeing that one of his colleagues had texted him. 

_| Wonwoo_ , Hansol wrote, _you’re not at work today?_

_Nope, I quit._

Now, Wonwoo didn’t really quit, but he wasn’t walking back into that office to hand in his notice. They’d probably figure it out. 

_| Uh, does your supervisor know that? He’s asking about you. He needs you for something._

_Well, technically, I haven’t quit, but they’ll notice I stopped coming in and they’ll just fire me or something. It’ll be fine._

_| Listen man, i dunno wtf is going on but are you okay?_

_No._

Wonwoo threw a hand over his face, blocking his eyes from taking in the small sliver of sunlight that managed to seep through his curtains. 

_| Well, you don’t have to tell me what’s going on. I’ll wait until you’re comfortable, or just be here for you even if you don’t want to tell me. Do you want me to cheer you up?_

_I don’t think you can._

Wonwoo realized that he’d glossed over Hansol’s, admittedly sweet, gesture, typing a quick, _Thank you, by the way_ , back.

_| Well, I can try. You remember that friend that I have who brought a live raccoon into his house once because he felt bad that it was alone?_

Unfortunately, Wonwoo did remember this friend that Hansol had. It’s no wonder the man was _slightly_ insane, he had absolute cretins for friends.

_Uh, yeah, I do happen to recall that._

_| Okay, so he deadass made his soulmate hate him. How do you even D O that_

_Uh, what did he do?_

_| Actually, I dunno what started it. Hang on, lemme ask :)_

Wonwoo barely even took in the previous text, just praying that whatever this idiot did this time would make his life seem not that bad.

\--

_| Hey, Mingyu, what did you even do to get this guy to write back to you? Didn’t you say he’s been silent this whole time?_

Mingyu heard his phone chime from in between the cushions on the couch, putting the tub of ice cream in his hands down to fish it back out.

He glared at the text he’d received, not really keen on recounting his misery.

_Well, as I recall it, you were at my house yesterday, on your day off, and you decided to root through my desk, and drew dicks all over me with every different pen you could find. I don’t think this guy’s company liked that._

_| OH SHIT_

__

__

_| I’M SO SORRY BRO_

_| BUT ALSO_

_| YOU’D PROBABLY HAVE DRAWN THEM ON YOURSELF WHEN YOU GOT BORED_

_You’re right. It’s not your fault. I could have at least woken up on time._ Mingyu ignored whatever texts came through after that, resuming his teary-eyed viewing of every single Marvel movie in order while ‘cleaning out his freezer’ (eating 12 tubs of ice cream). Before noon.

\--

_| Okay, so um, it was actually my fault, but…_

_| I was at his house yesterday and I noticed he had a bunch of markers or some shit so I grabbed them and as any mature, adult, very sophisticated man would do_

__

__

_| Drew a bunch of dicks all over my friend :)_

_| It got his soulmate fired..._

Wonwoo’s brain suddenly switched on, a gasp coming from his throat and ultimately choking him. He struggled to regain any sense of normalcy within his breathing, fingers flying across the keyboard of his phone.

_Hansol, what is this man’s name_

_| uh, Mingyu. Why?_

Wonwoo gave Hansol no answer, instead grabbing the sharpie that he’d used earlier, it was still lying on his dresser. He struggled to uncap it in his haste, finally plucking the plastic cap off and chucking it behind him. He found an empty spot, right on the palm of his hand and began writing with a shaky hand.

**_Mingyu?_ **

\--

Mingyu was halfway through Iron Man 2 (and his third tub of ice cream) when he felt something on his hand, reaching over to itch it when he noticed ink. His heart leapt in his chest, either full of hope or close to stopping from how much ice cream he’d just eaten. 

He wiped the condensation off of his hand, squinting to see the message he’d received.

**_| Mingyu?_ **

Mingyu nearly flung his spoon across the room, managing to land it on the other side of the sofa as he lunged for a pen.

**_Yes, that’s me. How do you know my name?_ **

**__**

**__**

| It seems we have a mutual friend who has failed to figure it out. 

And? That friend is?

**_| Hansol._ **

Mingyu instantly reached for his phone, hands shaky as he typed out a message.

_When were you going to tell me that you were friends with my soulmate?_

\--

Mingyu rang the doorbell, his knees close to buckling in as he tried standing tall. He was _terrified_. He had _not_ exactly made a good first impression on this guy, and he wasn’t quite sure how this was all going to go. 

Mingyu heard the click of the door unlocking and he had the sudden urge to drop the wildflowers in his hand and run but he steeled himself, locking eyes with the person who opened the door. And yes, as cliche as he knew it sounded, he swears that his heart stopped when their eyes met. He failed to remember the three straight tubs of ice cream that he’d downed before going there. It was probably his arteries clogging.

“Are you…?”

“Mingyu. I’m Mingyu. And uhm, I don’t think you ever, uhm, your name?”

“Wonwoo, my name is Wonwoo. Do you want to come in?”

“Yeah, that’s, uhm, that’s why I came.”

“Ah,” Wonwoo hummed, cheeks burning bright red as he stepped aside, “Come in then.”

Mingyu stepped inside Wonwoo’s apartment, biting back a knowing grin as he saw dirty clothes, dishes, and just dirt in general, _everywhere_. This man was really in a slump. He’d help.

“Oh, fuck.” Wonwoo mumbled, rushing to grab not one, not two, but three pairs of (probably dirty) boxers off of his couch. Mingyu wasn’t sure why (or how) there were _three pairs_ , but really, his place wasn’t any better. He just had empty ice cream cartons everywhere. He understood. 

“Uh, you can sit on the couch, I’m so sorry.”

“ ‘S okay. Mine’s like that too.” Mingyu perched on the edge of Wonwoo’s sofa, seeing that, instead of DVDs stacked by the television, there was a bookcase, crammed with books. Disgusting. 

Wonwoo ducked into the hallway to blindly throw his boxers as far as he could, praying that they didn’t end up on the floor near the hallway bathroom. He wasn’t sure how long Mingyu was going to be there, and he really didn’t want the poor man to have to see them all again.

“So, um, how do you and Hansol know each other?” Wonwoo came back to sit on the opposite end of his couch, eyes stuck on a random title on his bookshelf. 

“We went to college together. We were roommates.”

“Oh.”

“And you?”

“Colleague.”

“Ah, that’s right. I think I remember him mentioning your name a few times.”

“Oh? What did he say?”

“I don’t remember,” Mingyu probably did remember, but his brain wasn’t working very well because there was a man a mere three feet away from him and that man was his _soulmate_ , “Nothing bad though. I would have remembered something bad.” 

Wonwoo snorted, knowing that there wasn’t really anything bad to say about him. At least, he’d never brought a raccoon inside because it looked lonely. After someone does that, nothing looks bad.

“Oh, um, I brought you these.” Mingyu held out his fistful of plucked flowers, including a few roses that he’d had to pluck the thorns off of. He had squatted in the hallway picking them off for ten minutes. Wonwoo’s neighbors had walked by. Mingyu was really not good at first impressions. 

“Oh! Thank you!” Wonwoo let out a soft squeak that was a little too high pitched for him to be okay with, reaching out to take the flowers from Mingyu. 

“Did you buy these on the way over? I didn’t even know flower shops were open this early.” Wonwoo mused, standing to go grab anything in his house that could function as a vase. 

“Uhm, not exactly. But for future reference, the lady down the street does _not_ fuck around about that garden of hers. Those shears are _sharp_.”

Wonwoo let out a laugh, realizing that it was rather loud and shutting his mouth, keeping his eyes downcast in fear of meeting any strange looks Mingyu sent his way. 

“It’s fine. I think she actually cut my shirt a bit, but now I know not to mess with her. Lesson learned.” Mingyu grinned, watching as Wonwoo gave up his search and simply filled a drinking glass with water and stuck the flowers inside. 

“Wait, really? I thought you were kidding, she actually cut you?” Wonwoo left the glass of flowers on the table, brows furrowed as he traipsed back to the couch. 

“I think so. It’s fine, this shirt wasn’t my favorite or anything.” Mingyu craned his neck and grabbed at his side to stick his finger through a small slit down the back of the fabric.

“Ah, here, I can sew it for you.” Wonwoo held out his hand, realizing too late that he’d just asked Mingyu to strip for him.

“You want me to-”

“Uh, I didn’t mean it like that, um, I can get you a shirt of mine to wear while I stitch yours up. I’ll be right back.” Wonwoo practically fled down the hallway, leaning down to grab the one pair of boxers that hadn’t made it into the threshold of his room. He shut the door behind him and leaned back against it, cursing himself for not thinking about what he said before he said it. He tried to think of one of his more oversized shirts, the man was taller than him, (which was saying something), and he came up with a soft grey t-shirt that he usually wore to sleep. It was big on him, it would be fine on Mingyu. 

Wonwoo took a deep breath, looking down at the shirt in his hands as he tore open his bedroom door. He took a step forward without looking ahead, realizing when he ran into a solid mass that Mingyu was standing _inches_ away from him, both of them gasping with wide eyes.

Both men were frozen, neither knowing what to do in their current situation. Wonwoo’s brain finally turned on and he went to move backwards, but before he could move his foot a hand was on his cheek and tugging him forward into a kiss. He vaguely registered dropping the shirt in his hands, instead bringing them to frame Mingyu’s hips as he let his eyes slip closed. 

The two broke away after a moment, oxygen having become short in supply. Wonwoo gulped, letting his mouth close but his eyes never wandered from Mingyu’s, entranced by the taller man. Wonwoo sank down to his knees, hand out as he reached for the shirt that had fallen at their feet, eyes still locked with Mingyu’s. 

Mingyu let out a soft _‘oh’_ , stumbling back and then looking down to see that Wonwoo had the shirt in his hands.

“ _Wait_ , you thought I was going to-” Wonwoo’s eyes widened and he let himself fall back on his ass, mouth open as he realized what he had looked like.

“I didn’t see-” Mingyu’s cheeks were on _fire_ , heat crawling up his neck and making him sweat.

“Oh my _god_! I let you kiss me _once_ and you think-”

Mingyu covered his face with his hands, letting his back slide down the wall of the hallway as he nearly cried. He was never going to live this down.


End file.
